Saturday, May 16, 2009

Me and My Huggies, Ya Know?

If you are male, and prefer to remain oblivious to all things female, you should stop reading NOW.

I knew this day would come. I didn't know how, or when, or what I would be wearing when it happened, but I knew it would happen. With this knowledge, you would think that I would be a little more prepared. You would think. It's true, I've walked past the feminine hygiene aisle about five million times in the past two years, and not once have I stopped there. I should have, it would make sense, planning ahead and all. Maybe it was a *head in the sand* type of thing, if I didn't buy a box of Tampax, I would never have to use them. That sounds logical, right?

So this morning, I woke up totally unaware that a pair of my favorite animal print undies were ruined. Ruined. After the initial shock had worn off (about 27 minutes later), I searched for some kind of instinct that I know I used to have. I'm bleeding to death, what do I do?? I can't remember! I would have slapped myself if I had thought about it, but I didn't. After another 27 minutes of utter confusion and toilet paper folding, I got my shit together and started to hunt. There had to be something in this apartment that would stop the madness. I mean, I'm a girl, right? There has to be one errant tampon or pregnancy pad in this place. Just one, all I flippin' need. I searched in all the likely places, under the bathroom sink, under the other bathroom sink, in the linen closet. Nothing. I tore through every purse that I have ever carried (that's about a million), searched every coat pocket and diaper bag, checked junk drawers and crap boxes and Home From the Hospital kits. I'm a girl who is bleeding to death and I don't have ANYTHING to stop it. Poor Madelynn, she probably thought Mommy had gone crazy.

And then it hit me. Hit me like a whole box of refill baby wipes right to the face.

I went to Walmart wearing a size one Pamper's (the size three was very uncomfortable). It looks like I'm back in diapers again. Dammit.


Megan said...

Um, that's hilarious. For me, not so much for you. You did cut the diaper, right? You didn't actually squeeze into it?

Aimee said...

No, I kind of just layed it on a pair of granny panties and pulled them up real fast. It needed a little adjusting, and the silly velcro like things were scratching my ass the whole time, but it definitely worked in a pinch. I think if I had a box of size fives or something, I would have tried to actually wear it. Who knows. Keng and I are going to the Roadie tonight, I could pick you up but you'd be on your own to get home?

Megan said...

eh, I have work.

Aimee said...


Steph said...

That is so hilarious, and I *wish* I had been as clever as you about a month ago....I went to Wal Mart with about a whole roll of paper towels in my pants....DIAPERS....Duh.