The No-Cry Make-up Solution

I'm a girl. I wear make-up, use hairspray, and live for nail polish. I wear cutesy clothes, I accessorize, and I have enough over-sized bags to fill a knock-off-closet in Chinatown. Being a girly-girl was easy two years ago. I would wake up at noon, take a half hour shower, then spend 45 minutes figuring out what to wear. After another hour in the bathroom with make-up and a hair dryer, I would finally be ready to go get the mail.

Oh how babies change your world.

A five minute shower alone is a luxury, I wear the first thing I see (if it's on the floor and doesn't smell... total score!), hair is air-dryed. And my nails, good Lord you should see my nails. Ugh. Occasionally I manage to slap on a coat of black polish (the only color I can wear on these short-ass "chewed-offies"), but I never have enough time to let them dry. Super-Smudgy!

Anyways, I had a point here. I've given up as much of my girl-ness as I possibly can, but there's no way I can give up my make-up routine. Madelynn does NOT enjoy make-up. She stands on my feet and pinches my legs as I lean over the sink (I have to be all up in that mirror, ya know?). She wants up to watch, but I need both hands at all times, and she just pokes me in the eye with my liner anyways. I try to keep her entertained, I really do. I sing, I tell stories, and I give kisses in between mascara strokes. Apparently that's not enough. Mads is always screaming by the time I get to bronzer, and the screeches just increase in pitch through eyeshadow. It's horrible. Truly horrible. I have to do my face in two minute increments, taking fifteen minute baby breaks to make Mr. Bear dance a jig.

Fortunately, I've found a solution that should work for about a week.

That's the "Bathmat Activity Center". I set her up with a bowl of snacks, her teddy, and a basket of non-toys by her side (remote control/cell/hairbrush/paperbag/pocket.knife/machine.gun/etc.) and pray that she'll eat slowly. Yesterday I made it the whole way through my routine undisturbed, and today I made it to "coat one" of mascara without a peep from her.

I'm a genius and I should totally write a book. Look for "The No-Cry Make-up Solution" at bookstores near you. Coming August 2019.